(In)somnia
Tonight happens to be one of the many nights where I just can’t seem to fall asleep. I’m not entirely sure whether to credit this night’s experience to the anxiety looming over my “last first day” of my undergrad, to jet lag, or even to my sometimes questionable eating habits. All I know for certain is that I’ve been feeling this constant shift from one limbo state to another for a while now.
One of the many views of home I didn't think I'd miss this much (Vienna, VA)
I was lucky enough to spend my summer with my family and connect with them more honestly and openly than I have been this year. I’ve repeatedly neglected my relationships while at school. Whenever things become too difficult or my unrealistic perfection standards overwhelm me, I tend to shut people and things out of my life, making it much harder for me to let them back in or even hope they’ll still care (exhibit A: this very blog). I’ve been thinking about the picture above for quite some time now. Not just because it’s a picture of my home or to show off my mom’s insanely talented green thumb, but because I can’t recall any moment surrounding this picture.
Usually, when you take a picture, it’s to capture a moment or a level of aesthetic-ness you choose to hold on to, regardless of your intent to view that picture again. But I can’t remember whether we’re heading out somewhere or coming back from an event. Maybe I took the picture because I liked how the moon looked. I just know that I stood still for a moment to take that picture. It’s that stillness that I savor more after the fact because it’s not often I feel that way. I know I would take it for granted if I was lucky enough to come across it daily.
My whole life I’ve been striving to reach this level of stillness within myself and my environment, a constant need to overlook tension or my own shortcomings just to keep pushing and making my dreams a reality. I’ve been acknowledging more recently than I’d like to admit that the tension, the shortcomings, and the fears, they’re just as real and conquerable as my dreams are.
I’m hoping that this post can act as a somewhat tangible manifestation of my hopes and dreams for my last year as an anthropology student. I want to keep trying and dreaming while not being so afraid to feel afraid. I also want to thank the people who help me not take things so seriously all the time, to laugh at myself, to happy-cry more, and who care about me as much as they do my stuffed animals (so basically, to everyone reading this blog 🩵). I know it’s late to recognize, but this post has nothing to do with food. It’s more of a mental reset, almost like an emotionally-oriented grocery run.
Regardless of what stage of life you’re at right now, I hope you set aside time to not take yourself too seriously and to embrace your dreams outwardly. I can guarantee that dreaming out loud and dreaming through action is an excellent reason to go to bed at a reasonable hour and greet the new day fully determined to make those dreams a reality, looking past how cliché that sounds.
What are some dreams of yours that are challenging to celebrate out loud? Feel free to use the comment section of this blog, tucked away in a quiet corner of the internet, to start celebrating yourself. I’d love to hear about them!
